More Melbourne: I ate things, I have pictures to prove it.
I ate stuff and this is what it looked like (isn’t that what all the cool kids do?):
I ate stuff and this is what it looked like (isn’t that what all the cool kids do?):
So I’m still in transit from my pseudo-holiday. I’ll fill you in on
everything I ate/saw/bought on all the exciting happenings asap.
As I’m off being an obnoxious tourist, this episode of Mind Food Monday will be slipped into your acoustic canals by Philip Zimbardo (@PhilZimbardo), professor of psychology at Stanford University. Here he discusses different attitudes towards time and how these attitudes impact our lives. Video courtesy of the gorgeous people at RSA. Visit their website to keep up to date with new lectures and articles. You can also subscribe to their YouTube channel (highly recommended), follow them on Twitter or catch new content via their Facebook page.
Past, present or future orientated, which are you and how does it impact your quality of life?
As you are about to see, Diablo Cody is a badass. If you need more than that in order to click the little triangle then: Diablo Cody is important because she shows us creatives the value of writing the stories our parents warned us about.
Video coutesy of Artisan News Service.
This Text Thursday is brought to you by literary mash-ups. A mash-up, much like Austin Kleon’s Black out poems or Dada‘s cut up technique is about taking a pre-existing text and finding new narratives within it. Kleon’s poems are born of crossing out all but a few words to create a new text. The Dadaists cut up texts, re-arranged the words and formed new sentences. The mash-up takes a text and stretches it, filling the spaces between words with new words to form a narrative. It was first introduced to me by one of my poetry lecturers, Gareth Jenkins. He also pointed out that it’s a good idea to use non fiction texts as they are often the most unintentionally poetic (much like Kleon’s newspaper’s eh?).
for copyright reasons because I happen to have a copy of Bernard Shaw’s Back to Methuselah (1945), I’m going to use that as an example.
So, page x (10) of the Preface – ‘Political Inadequacy of the Human Animal’
Ten more years elapsed. Neo-Darwinismin in politics had produced a European catastrophe of a magnitude so appalling, and a scope so unpredictable, that as I write these lines in 1920, it is still far from certain whether our civilization will survive it (Shaw 1945).
and then stretch it, add a few words (and in this case I’m taking a few out) and it might become:
“Ten more years elapsed. Darwinism drove men to politics, lovers curled themselves around a European bouquet of love, catastrophes, explosions of hearts; petals on the cobblestones, a tapestry of such magnitude, so appalling, the scope of their spirits, the trickling sound as they slip their way through the gutters, unpredictable, a doctor, a wife, gushing out the lines of pavement into storm water drains, into 1920. Still and far from the certainty of each others’ pockets, a civilization of lovers, survived only by the city.”
It’s a lot of fun and sometimes you can even get some usable lines out of it, if not a whole poem.
Other great mash-up texts might include: religious texts, pamphlets, instruction manuals, menus, bills, and so on.
Lots of seemingly un-poetic texts contain narratives, you just need the tools to find them.
Shaw, B, 1945, Back to Methuselah, Oxford University Press, London, p X.
So last week I talked about un-dating and fighting etiquette
and cactus innuendo.
This week, as it’s getting closer to xmas (by you know, a month…) I want to talk about something that most people find irritating – commercialised Christmas.
Now my local department store began selling xmas-themed merchandise in late August, which prompted more than a little bar humbug in shoppers. I got irritated, but it was also effective in producing the desired reaction in me which was xmas oh-god-is-it-that-time-already-I’m-so-unprepared panic. I’m fine with that and I’m not at all surprised that retailers set up their xmas wares early because they’re businesses and profits and blah-blah-cynical-blah.
What I am happy about and what keeps me shopping at these retailers is the lack of Christmas carols. The moment Christmas carols start playing is the moment I morph from a respectful, rational-minded shopper into a cynical Grinch-bitch drenched in rage only Mariah Carey All-I-want-for-Christmas-is
attention you on repeat can produce. I’m the kind of seemingly shy customer that just buys what they want and gets the fuck outta there just to escape another rendition of “Let it Snow”. Let. It. Snow. It’s summer in Australia. It just makes no fucking sense.
I’m just going to put this out there – we need new Christmas carols. Climate-relevant ones. Original ones. Possibly cynical ones. Just once I’d like to hear “All I want for Christmas is my family to get on with each other for one day”, “All I want for xmas is less cheer from people trying to sell me things” or “All I want for xmas is not to be broke and emotionally exhausted”.
Last week I found out that our work stereo is broken and unfortunately won’t be able to play carols over the xmas period. I’ve never been so happy in my life.
While we’re at it – people who give birth close to Christmas are arseholes. Really? You couldn’t wait like a month when everyone isn’t so broke? Shame on you and your late February, early March whoring ways.
On that note…
Please return your “I’m a real adult” card:
* If you stand in the coffee line complaining about the wait at 8:30am on a Monday. Then order an ‘extra hot’ half caff soy latte no foam. No foam is a flat white, arsehole. That poor Barista doesn’t think you are classy and corporate chic. That poor barista fucking hates you. Everyone in the line hates you. Deep down even you hate you. Just stop.
* If you part your car across two spaces and expect no one to get irritated.
* If you talk to retail/hospitality staff like they are incapable of intelligent thought. If they don’t know the wine list, they don’t know the wine list – calm the fuck down while they go and fetch it for you. They’ve probably been standing on their feet for the entire shift listening to people order the fattiest thing on the menu and then ask for sauces on the side. Or listening to a regular customer complain loudly about the prices/nutritional content of the food before ordering every damn thing on the menu.
*If you are complaining to the employee about things the employee has no control over. The guy behind the cash register at McDonalds doesn’t handle the pricing. He’s 15. The person serving you in Myer did not make the blender you broke filling it over capacity with ice for Saturday night drinks. It’s not the transit officer’s fault that you were running late to your train and didn’t buy a ticket. The woman behind the counter in triage cannot control how many people are
bleeding to death waiting in front of you for medical assistance while you whine loudly about your clearly-more-serious-than-head-trauma case of Google-diagnosed swine-flu. It’s not the parking officer’s fault you parked in a taxi zone. It’s not the receptionist’s fault that you were not organised enough to make a reservation for your party of 30 on a Saturday night at 7pm. It’s not the police officer’s fault you punched someone/were caught speeding/behaved like an obnoxious hot mess at the Melbourne Cup. It’s not the library/video store clerk’s fault your items are overdue. It’s not the hotel staff’s fault you wrecked the room and have to pay for damages. Seriously people. Let’s just have some common sense here.
* If you tell the cashier your life story when there is a line 1km long behind you. The poor guy has probably had 6hrs of this nonsense already, he doesn’t want to know about your hemorrhoids/sick children/money problems/divorce when his manager is already shitty about the refund he’s just had to give you for a pair of shoes you have decided are the wrong colour/poorly made/don’t match your liver spots.
And on the other side, please return your “I’m a real adult” card:
* If you’re rude to a customer just because they’re a customer. When it’s obvious you’d rather get paid for playing on your phone all day. If this is the case, get a job that lets you do that. Just like it’s not the employee’s fault the item is not on sale, it’s not the customer’s fault your store isn’t clearly set out.
* If you roll your eyes at a customer who can’t find something in your store. That is listed in the catalog but isn’t signposted anywhere. They do not work there and I’m fairly certain they are not psychic.
* If you ignore a customer to carry on a conversation with your co-worker. Again, if you want to do this, find a job that facilitates your nattering about how he said he was sorry but he like totes didn’t really mean it because he pulled that I-don’t-really-mean-it face.
* If you are part of a public service but hate serving the public. It is not the patient’s fault that they have a mental illness. It is not the victim’s fault that they were mugged. Not everyone who has a tattoo is a criminal. Not everyone who has an obvious physical sickness is contagious. Not everyone in a hoodie is up to no good. Not everyone who is older is senile. Not every priest is a more believable/trustworthy witness.
It’s not difficult to keep your “I’m a real adult” card. Just respect other people and take responsibility for yourself. Buying a product doesn’t give you the right to treat the poor guy behind the cash register at David Jones like he doesn’t deserve to live. Being an officer of any kind doesn’t give you the right to kick your god-complex into turbo. Please, this xmas rush period, think about the poor souls on both sides. Something something-everyone fighting a hard battle-something-something-hypocritical-touchy-feely-lets all be friends.
Next week: Melbourne hipster photos.
So this will be short and sweet because
I’ve worked 3hrs and spent the afternoon cleaning and looking at someecards.com I’m exhausted. But I feel it’s a surreal and sunny kind of monday afternoon or maybe that’s the headache talking so let’s get all Dali up in here.
If you don’t know who Salvador Dali is
GTFO you can find all his info at SalvadorDalicom. Sure, his paintings are amazing. Among my favorites are his early surrealist works. He makes the Mind Food Monday honorable mentions list due to being a fucking badass who was obsessed with ants this film:
*trigger warning – if your squeamish about eye related gore*
If you want some Dali in your life – up close and
sexy personal – and you’re in ze Florida USA, perhaps head on down to The Dali Museum. If only for the amazing Dali-themed merchandise in their Dali Store. They sell Dali themed perfume, wire sculptures, mugs, earrings, etc. I’m fairly certain I want everything in there.
They have an ant themed jewellery collection.
What’s a gal to do?