Because all the cool kids do it.
This Table-Talk Tuesday is brought to you by food porn. Also I’ve read a lot of StraightTalkingVegetables annnd BlissfulBritt annnnd watched a lot of My Drunk Kitchen lately (which I’m sure you can tell just by the tone of this post).
So I tried to be an adult and ‘cook’. Or ‘coo – ok’ I’m not sure of the exact pronunciation, blah blah more-jokes-about-not-being-a-real-adult blah. So this happened:
It went like this:
Vegan Creamy Pumpkin & Cauliflower Soup
I’m not pushing any agendas here. I just called it vegan because
I want to sound like I know what I’m doing it has no animals in it. It also has no lactose either, if that’s helpful. Each to their own, mofos.
You Will need:
A place for cooking. Possibly even a kitchen.
Some water in a pot (enough to comfortably cover the pumpkin and cauliflower).
Some Massel awesomeness (I vote Ultracube Chicken flavor – x2 cubes).
Some Kent pumpkin (about a quarter).
Half a small cauliflower.
Dairy free butter or margarine (one level tablespoon <- that’s a dirty lie, I put a shit-load in).
I use Nuttlex Lite, because I’m just obnoxious like that.
Then do this:
and do the same type of thing with the cauliflower.
Then make the water all bubbly-like with a kitchen heat machine. Add the pumpkin, cauliflower, stock cubes and simmer the shit out off it until everything falls apart.
Then turn off the heat contraption and let it all just chill out for a second. Maybe have one of these:
Then stir in the
fuck-tonne tablespoon of Nuttlex or whatever you’ve chosen to cream things up with and blend until it looks like someone already digested it.
TA DA! Congratulations! Hopefully, you made this:
Instagram the shit out of it so everyone knows what you’re currently digesting eat it. Eat it all.
To eat, you will need:
A scooping utensil.
A camera because ‘pics or it didn’t happen’.
My name is Jessica Dendy. I get excited by the consistency of soup. Gentlemen form an orderly line to the left, I’ll be with you as soon as I get over having cooked something that tastes like and even resembles food.
Put it in your mouth (that’s what he-don’t say it. It’s all downhill from there).
Don’t panic. You can still exit this situation with dignity if you do exactly as I say.
Put it back into your mouth and suck it dry.
…What? Don’t look at me like that.
Repeat until there’s no soup left.
Make sure to
clean, wash up, put the pumpkin skin in the compost.