Table-Talk Tuesday: I am the god of a tiny world.

Welcome Gremlins!

To the interior corridors of my neurosis. To the land where the sweet little frogs of geometric fixation play nice with the rabid crocodiles of a hyperbolic aversion to rain. Or something.

This week I’m fixated with little things, and no, I’m not referring to your dad’s anatomy. Terrariums. Oh dear god. A fucking tiny garden encased in glass. It marries several of my favorite things.

1. Transparent things – (like glass, water, gin, and your father’s intentions).

2. Things so tiny that they’re hardly functional (except that – let’s be reasonable here).

3. Green.

4. Playing god.

So like some perverted cult leader, I’m going to show you how to make your own tiny world to lord over terrarium.

You will need:

1. Something to house your little world.
1. Something phallic to house your demonic little world.
2. Rocks for practical and decorative purposes.
2. Rocks for practical and decorative purposes.
3. Horse shit (stay with me - it's important).
3. Horse shit (stay with me – it’s important).
4. Dirt (or 'potting mix' if you're going to be a wanker about it).
4. Dirt (or ‘potting mix’ if you’re going to be a wanker about it).
5. Tiny plant/s to lord over.
5. Tiny plants to lord over.
6. A majestic animal friend to marvel at your power.
6. A majestic animal comrade to marvel at your power.

Step One

Locate a jar or little-world-receptacle of some kind. You should probably clean it out or something. Fill the bottom with some hell-pebbles.

This will form your underworld.
This will form your underworld.
Revel in your henchwoman's attentiveness. Have you been drinking?
Revel in your henchkitteh’s attentiveness. Have you been drinking kitteh?

Step Two

Crumble the horse shit into a thin layer over the pebbles, this is because I was too cheap to get any charcoal to stop it all looking like mud. Then throw delicately place in some dirt you stole from another pot plant potting mix.

This will form the juicy middle earth on which your tiny empire will thrive.
This will form the juicy middle earth on which your tiny empire will thrive.
Revel in your henchwoman's attentiveness.
Begin to doubt the sobriety of your sidekick.

Step Three

Choose your minions. I’ve heard that you should pick slaves that like it hot and wet. Since I didn’t have any plants that fit that description, I went with the only thing I did have mint and moss.

I can feel their fear already.
I can feel their fear already.

Step Four (optional)

Seal your tiny world.

Isolate your minions from outside influences.
Trap your minions to ‘keep them safe’ from the cat cruel universe.
Wat?
Wat? Go home kitteh you are drunk.

Step Five

Marvel at your creation. Let there be a lamp, look at it and feel confident that you nailed it. Ignore the gaps where you need to rely heavily on the suspension of disbelief in order to make sense of it all.

Marvel in your artistry.
Marvel in your lack of careful planning, ability to cut corners, artistry.
Ignore the doubt and rising distrust in you lieutenant's eyes.
Ignore the doubt and rising distrust in your lieutenant’s eyes.

Step Six

Isolate them from free thinking.
Isolate your tiny community from outside influences like free thinking.
Allow your collegue to sleep off their hangover.
Allow your colleague to sleep off their hangover.

 

Perhaps place them in a spot where they can see their freedom, but never actually reach it.
Perhaps place them in a spot where they can see their freedom, but never actually reach it.
Allow your second in command to resume their majesticness.
Encourage your second in command to resume their majestic-ness (she sobers up fast…)


Congratulations! You are now the god of a tiny world. Now you can sit back and let the minions thrive because you in no way did anything that could annihilate them. Nothing. Certainly none of these things. Your world looks incredible. So there is absolutely no need to compare it to any worlds other gods (like ApartmentTherapy) may have created that may seem for a moment more effective than yours (like these insanely amazing ones on Inhabitat).

For more info on how to be a god of your own tiny planet, you can pick up a copy of Tiny World Terrariums: A Step-by-Step Guide to Easily Contained Life from amazon for about $12.

Or if you have a short attention span like me, you could just watch the video below and learn how to create a terrarium that may actually survive on a larger scale.

Video courtesy of the Burke’s Backyard YouTube channel. You can also view the full facts sheet on the Burke’s Backyard website.

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