Religion and the Pretty C-Bomb

This post will be split into two parts because it deals with two different but loosely connected things.

When I was religious I didn’t swear much. Well I occasionally said ‘shit’ but mostly just stuck to the fat-free cuss words like ‘crap’. I was so strict with myself that if I even thought the word ‘fuck’ I’d feel guilty for hours afterwards (I wish I was kidding). But I certainly didn’t even go near the C-bomb. No way, nuh-ah. Too sinful. All the soap in the world wouldn’t wash out that sucker. So here’s my story…

I

Upon my conscious bitter as betrayal uncoupling from religion I ended my cuss diet and binged. My brain stuffed as many cuss words into my mouth as possible. I said shit and fuck in every sentence and called people dicks (under my breath) but I never could bring myself to drop the C-bomb. In my mind it was a painful word that I’d first heard used in spite. It was classed as the worst of the worst. To call someone a cunt was to insult them in one of the nastiest ways possible (unless you’re a particularly laid back Australian teenager then it’s what you call your mates, but I didn’t know that yet, I was more sheltered than a wombat in a burrow. Yes, I really just typed that).

But soon I became daring. I’ve been told that I look innocent, so I began to say it for effect. Then I began to think about it. Why is ‘cunt’ such a bad word? Why does a euphemism for vagina have to be classed as the worst of the worst? Why is the worst thing a person can be stand in for a female body part? Now I’m not going to go into the politics of it here, others have done that and a hell of a lot better than I could. I’m just saying that I consciously thought about why it was that I didn’t say ‘cunt’. Then I began to say it in my head to try and get rid of the negative connotations associated with it. I said it under my breath. I thought it about the middle-aged woman talking loudly in the quiet carriage. I sang it in my head to the tune of Diamonds by Rihanna. “Shine bright like a cunt face… shine bright like a cunt face…” Ok, so that last part’s a lie, but it improves the song somewhat, no?

So what do I do about it now? I still only say it for effect. It’s still considered by many as the worst of the worst and despite my protests I still haven’t quite gotten over the way it sounds in my mouth. Perhaps I never will, but I’m trying. For now I engage in crafty slactivism. By which I mean I stitch ‘cunt’ onto fabric and frame it. We all have our small rebellions. I’m changing the face of society, one stitch at a time. I’m sure society’s views on what is deemed offensive will change based on one woman’s Sunday afternoon craft project. Give it time.

II

Now this wasn’t an isolated binge. After my uncoupling I went through a spiritual crisis (surprise! I’m still there! Woo! Fun times! – that’s a story for another post), in that I no longer felt spiritual at all. I went from deeply religious to believing in nothing. Not even myself. I didn’t feel connected to anything. When I was religious I would go out into nature and feel this deep and profound connection to god and to the earth. It was euphoric, I used to feel almost high on the country air (later I found out that this wasn’t a connection to god, it was a connection to untreated mental illness. Yay! Woo! Fun times!). After I started taking medication, all connection to god left me and I instantly didn’t believe anymore. It hit me like a train. I felt like my upbringing had been a lie. A hurtful scam designed to make me feel less powerful as a woman, guilty about sexuality, and oh I dunno, guilty about everything else on the planet. I became bitter against Christianity and binged on all the ‘bad’ things. By which I mean I purposely littered, I didn’t hold the door for people, and I called rude customers bitches (under my breath). Did I mention I was a little strict with myself? These things felt like acts of rebellion to me. I felt powerful. I felt how Snoop Dogg (Snoop Lion? Whatever he calls himself now) must have felt smoking marijuana at the MTV awards. I felt smug as fuck. I was sinning and there wasn’t a god in the world to stop me.

So where does that leave me now? I don’t know, cunts, crouched in some dirty alley way tossing Cadbury wrappers on the ground (no I’m not, don’t litter kids, it’s bad for the environment). Still bitter, I suppose. I still can’t bring myself to stand in a church and nature just makes me sad at the loss of connectedness to the environment. But we all have our things to work on. On another day I’ll go into the story a bit more if you’d like to hear it, but for now, let’s lighten the mood with more arty fun times.

Changing the world.
Changing the world.

So my lovely cunts, what’s your small act of rebellion?

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2 thoughts on “Religion and the Pretty C-Bomb

  1. Hi Ennui,

    Hope you are doing well. I like your story and your opinion on different things. I don’t know your journey but I know there are somethings around us that make us the way we are. When we are little we sure are innocent and see the world from another angle. Now when we are in the real world and see people who are religious and act very close to God are the ones doing the most insane things. I see my mom praying to God all the time, yet she is the one who is the most racist women I know. She treats anyone who is of different caste, religion, race and poor differently. Yet she doesnt work, and she just feels like a queen. There are so many innocent people suffering in the world, sometimes seeing it you actually doubt the existence of God and believe in Evil. I avoid judging people, because I think ive seen enough and I don’t have the strength to change the world. All I can do is give a little bit to the world. People change, its how we grow up. I guess a good way to deal with who you have become is first accepting who you are. Not your actions, but actually what you feel. Once you are there, you just have to take a positive step towards becoming that person. Also I don’t think you have done any sins or using those words make you any different. Unless you have physically harmed a person, mentally tortured that person there is a positive light lives inside you. If you like using these words just use them, thats who you are or have become but if you hate them coming out of your mouth you just have to find a way to change that.

    Enjoyed your article

    Good luck 🙂

    1. Hey Eat All Fresh,

      Thanks for your comment and for sharing with me. It’s always appreciated.

      I know a lot of people like your mother but then again I also know a lot of people that are religious and are perfectly nice people. There are a lot of things in regards to religion that I have to make peace with and one of those is accepting that these people can believe what they want and as long as they’re not infringing on the rights of others or hurting anyone – it’s none of my goddamn business. I’m still working through my anger at religion and my shock that anyone would subscribe to some of the things that Christianity teaches. Yet I did, for a long time. It’s a tricky one and I’m not perfect, I still have so far to go towards tolerance but I’m trying and that’s all I can do I guess.

      I particularly like your comment about accepting who you are. I think everyone struggles with this from time to time (if you’re me – full time) and all we can do is spend each day trying to be kind to ourselves and trying to improve little by little.

      Thanks for reading.

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