Table-Talk Tuesday: Pumpkins – no added baby.

Because all the cool kids do it.

This Table-Talk Tuesday is brought to you by food porn. Also I’ve read a lot of StraightTalkingVegetables annnd BlissfulBritt annnnd watched a lot of My Drunk Kitchen lately (which I’m sure you can tell just by the tone of this post).

So I tried to be an adult and ‘cook’. Or ‘coo – ok’ I’m not sure of the exact pronunciation, blah blah more-jokes-about-not-being-a-real-adult blah. So this happened:

realisation that you're home alone on your night off taking pictures of soup to blog about it.
I made this.

It went like this:

Vegan Creamy Pumpkin & Cauliflower Soup

I’m not pushing any agendas here. I just called it vegan because I want to sound like I know what I’m doing it has no animals in it. It also has no lactose either, if that’s helpful. Each to their own, mofos.

You Will need:

A place for cooking. Possibly even a kitchen.

Some water in a pot (enough to comfortably cover the pumpkin and cauliflower).

Some Massel awesomeness (I vote Ultracube Chicken flavor – x2 cubes).

Chicken flavor because hello – delicious (no gluten, lactose, or animal content in these babies. No baby content either).

Some Kent pumpkin (about a quarter).

Half a small cauliflower.

Dairy free butter or margarine (one level tablespoon <- that’s a dirty lie, I put a shit-load in).

With vitamin D because I don’t go outside it’s good for you.

I use Nuttlex Lite, because I’m just obnoxious like that.

A blender.

Then do this:

To make it I did some of this
Skin the pumpkin while it’s still alive. Ignore the screaming. I blurred out the violence because apparently my camera thinks my freckly wrist is more important for censorship reasons.

and

Rip it's uterus out.
Rip the uterus out. Appetizing.

and

admire the pumpkin featuses.
Admire the pumpkin fetuses.

and

Freak out about pumpkin hair.
Freak out about pumpkin hair.

and

Eventually remember what you were supposed to be doing.
Eventually remember what you’re supposed to be doing.

and

all cut up
Hack the pumpkin flesh into pretty chunks.

and do the same type of thing with the cauliflower.

Cauliflower is feeling dark and brooding.
Cauliflower is not as photogenic. Sorry cauliflower, but we can’t all be models. Truth bomb. Right there. Wisdom and cooking. It’s what I’m about.

Then make the water all bubbly-like with a kitchen heat machine. Add the pumpkin, cauliflower, stock cubes and simmer the shit out off it until everything falls apart.

Then turn off the heat contraption and let it all just chill out for a second. Maybe have one of these:

om
Sour Apple and Blood Orange Vodka Cocktail thingy. Classy as fuck.

Then stir in the fuck-tonne tablespoon of Nuttlex or whatever you’ve chosen to cream things up with and blend until it looks like someone already digested it.

TA DA! Congratulations! Hopefully, you made this:

Baby food! Sprinkled with solidified dirty tears born of the realisation that you're home alone on your night off taking pictures of soup to blog about it.
Baby food! Sprinkled with solidified dirty tears born of the realisation that you’re home alone on your night off taking pictures of soup to blog about it.

Now Instagram the shit out of it so everyone knows what you’re currently digesting eat it. Eat it all.

To eat, you will need:

A mouth.

A scooping utensil.

A camera because ‘pics or it didn’t happen’.

Step One:

First you scoop it
First you scoop it

Step Two:

The you marvel at the consistency.
Then you marvel at the consistency.
Check out that Fin Keel action there.
Check out that Fin Keel action there.

My name is Jessica Dendy. I get excited by the consistency of soup. Gentlemen form an orderly line to the left, I’ll be with you as soon as I get over having cooked something that tastes like and even resembles food.

Step Three:

Put it in your mouth (that’s what he-don’t say it. It’s all downhill from there).

Step Four:

Take the spoon out and realise you missed a bit.
Take the spoon out and realise you missed a bit, leaving your partner tongue unsatisfied.

Don’t panic. You can still exit this situation with dignity if you do exactly as I say.

Step Five:

Put it back into your mouth and suck it dry.

…What? Don’t look at me like that.

There - isn't that satisfying?
There – isn’t that satisfying?

Step Six:

Repeat until there’s no soup left.

Its easy once you get the hang of it.
It’s easy once you get the hang of it.

Make sure to clean, wash up, put the pumpkin skin in the compost.

Compost, because it's good for the enviroment.
Compost, because it makes you feel better about how much food you waste it’s good for the environment.
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Table-Talk Tuesday: Melbourne Noms and Hipster City Pictures.

More Melbourne: I ate things, I have pictures to prove it.

I ate stuff and this is what it looked like (isn’t that what all the cool kids do?):

I ate this for dinner here in Melbourne because I’m an adult damn it.
My friend (yes I have friends) had sprinkles. This is an important blog-worthy detail that I need to share with you all.
I also ate this. It was nice to my tongue and mouth. Important details (I’m still trying to kick dairy – sometimes I win, sometimes I lose).
I was so excited about eating a bunch of these because…
my usual dinner is this…
Banoffi Pie is too dark and I don’t have a flash on my shitty phone so I just filtered the shit out of it dark and tortured, because I’m an artist damn it.
I also tried to take a picture of it digesting but the lens kept fogging up (so, like, ironic). Clearly I fail as an artist.
Time Out. Home of hot indie men and good pie. But mostly hot indie men.
I don’t know what this is but I love it (that’s a lie, I tried to love it, we had a thing, but decided that ultimately we’re better off just being friends. Also I got a weird paint rash. Wot).