Freudian Friday: Let’s Gingerly Drink to this Affair.

Freudian Friday meets end-o-week drinks.

Let’s make an innocent little gin get dirty. It’s Friday morning and we’ve got the whole day to suffer through before we can get our dranks on. So lets get masochistic and relieve our ennui – by daydreaming cocktail hour because I’m just fucking neurotic like that. So pull up a wobbly wooden stool in some pompous bar surrounded by eclectic hipster knickknacks, overpriced finger food, & that one staff member who always looks like they just hate the living shit out of humanity missed the bus in the rain. Cross your ankles and thoughtfully stroke your facial hair and let’s have one innocent little drink, one might even say that we deserve one because life is cruel and makes us work for a living. So suck this for an ennui remedy – The Dirty Ginger Gimlet.

Dirty (spotty) Ginger Gimlet. It'll cure what ale's ya.
Dirty (spotty) Ginger Gimlet (a young Gin Buck had sordid affair with a sweet little Gin Gimlet). It’ll cure what ale’s ya (I can’t be held responsible for that pun, I’ve been watching a lot of these laydehs lately).

Dirty Ginger Gimlet – you will need:

A highball glass packed with ice.

10-20ml Bickford’s Lime Juice Cordial (depending on how sweet you want it)

10ml Lime Juice

30ml Gin

30ml of Dry Ginger Ale

A dash of White Wine (whatever you have on hand – in my case Sauvignon Blanc)

Optional no it’s not – stay classy motherfuckers: A slice of lime to serve.

Method:

Grab your highball, fill it with ice and let’s build some adultery.

First the Cordial.

Sweet Lady Gimlet.
Sweet Lady Gimlet.

Then the lime juice. Traditionally a Gin gimlet ingredient.

Married young, the union went sour.
Married young, the union went sour.

Then your gin. I use Tanqueray because I’m a gin snob it’s magnificent.

She hit the bottle.
She hit the bottle (look at that gorgeous green – urgh, Tanq baby, I love you).

Then the dry ginger ale. Traditionally the main ingredient in a Gin Buck.

She met a young buck.
She met a young buck.

Then the White Wine (that’s what makes it all so dirty because wine tastes like shit)

and they got all birds and bees.
and they got all birds and bees.

Give it a stir and you’ve got yourself alcohol’s answer to a love child – a Dirty Ginger Gimlet.

akjbdkwdbf
and pop goes the weasel – she’s preggers with a bastard. The horror!

Now that you’ve taken a bunch of pictures of liquids imagined yourself awkwardly drinking at home alone on a Thursday night while you blog about affairs between alcoholic beverages sipping the bastard,

getting drunk home alone on a thursday night.
Adultery never looked so fresh.

you can put shit away/get back to work marvel at its makers.

Add a touch of class to your shitfaced afternoons cocktail hour.
Add a touch of class to your shitfaced afternoons/nights/lunch hour after work drinks.

and imagine yourself hypothetically maybe not having any wine stoppers, causing you to do something impractical classy like make your own out of aluminum foil an appropriate medium.

Nailed it.
Nailed it (mushroom cloud).

Or alternatively you could snap out of your psychosis just in time to learn a bunch of real traditional cocktail recipes (including the traditional Gin Buck and Gin Gimlet) from Monotone Josh and the amazing peeps at About.com

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Table-Talk Tuesday: Pumpkins – no added baby.

Because all the cool kids do it.

This Table-Talk Tuesday is brought to you by food porn. Also I’ve read a lot of StraightTalkingVegetables annnd BlissfulBritt annnnd watched a lot of My Drunk Kitchen lately (which I’m sure you can tell just by the tone of this post).

So I tried to be an adult and ‘cook’. Or ‘coo – ok’ I’m not sure of the exact pronunciation, blah blah more-jokes-about-not-being-a-real-adult blah. So this happened:

realisation that you're home alone on your night off taking pictures of soup to blog about it.
I made this.

It went like this:

Vegan Creamy Pumpkin & Cauliflower Soup

I’m not pushing any agendas here. I just called it vegan because I want to sound like I know what I’m doing it has no animals in it. It also has no lactose either, if that’s helpful. Each to their own, mofos.

You Will need:

A place for cooking. Possibly even a kitchen.

Some water in a pot (enough to comfortably cover the pumpkin and cauliflower).

Some Massel awesomeness (I vote Ultracube Chicken flavor – x2 cubes).

Chicken flavor because hello – delicious (no gluten, lactose, or animal content in these babies. No baby content either).

Some Kent pumpkin (about a quarter).

Half a small cauliflower.

Dairy free butter or margarine (one level tablespoon <- that’s a dirty lie, I put a shit-load in).

With vitamin D because I don’t go outside it’s good for you.

I use Nuttlex Lite, because I’m just obnoxious like that.

A blender.

Then do this:

To make it I did some of this
Skin the pumpkin while it’s still alive. Ignore the screaming. I blurred out the violence because apparently my camera thinks my freckly wrist is more important for censorship reasons.

and

Rip it's uterus out.
Rip the uterus out. Appetizing.

and

admire the pumpkin featuses.
Admire the pumpkin fetuses.

and

Freak out about pumpkin hair.
Freak out about pumpkin hair.

and

Eventually remember what you were supposed to be doing.
Eventually remember what you’re supposed to be doing.

and

all cut up
Hack the pumpkin flesh into pretty chunks.

and do the same type of thing with the cauliflower.

Cauliflower is feeling dark and brooding.
Cauliflower is not as photogenic. Sorry cauliflower, but we can’t all be models. Truth bomb. Right there. Wisdom and cooking. It’s what I’m about.

Then make the water all bubbly-like with a kitchen heat machine. Add the pumpkin, cauliflower, stock cubes and simmer the shit out off it until everything falls apart.

Then turn off the heat contraption and let it all just chill out for a second. Maybe have one of these:

om
Sour Apple and Blood Orange Vodka Cocktail thingy. Classy as fuck.

Then stir in the fuck-tonne tablespoon of Nuttlex or whatever you’ve chosen to cream things up with and blend until it looks like someone already digested it.

TA DA! Congratulations! Hopefully, you made this:

Baby food! Sprinkled with solidified dirty tears born of the realisation that you're home alone on your night off taking pictures of soup to blog about it.
Baby food! Sprinkled with solidified dirty tears born of the realisation that you’re home alone on your night off taking pictures of soup to blog about it.

Now Instagram the shit out of it so everyone knows what you’re currently digesting eat it. Eat it all.

To eat, you will need:

A mouth.

A scooping utensil.

A camera because ‘pics or it didn’t happen’.

Step One:

First you scoop it
First you scoop it

Step Two:

The you marvel at the consistency.
Then you marvel at the consistency.
Check out that Fin Keel action there.
Check out that Fin Keel action there.

My name is Jessica Dendy. I get excited by the consistency of soup. Gentlemen form an orderly line to the left, I’ll be with you as soon as I get over having cooked something that tastes like and even resembles food.

Step Three:

Put it in your mouth (that’s what he-don’t say it. It’s all downhill from there).

Step Four:

Take the spoon out and realise you missed a bit.
Take the spoon out and realise you missed a bit, leaving your partner tongue unsatisfied.

Don’t panic. You can still exit this situation with dignity if you do exactly as I say.

Step Five:

Put it back into your mouth and suck it dry.

…What? Don’t look at me like that.

There - isn't that satisfying?
There – isn’t that satisfying?

Step Six:

Repeat until there’s no soup left.

Its easy once you get the hang of it.
It’s easy once you get the hang of it.

Make sure to clean, wash up, put the pumpkin skin in the compost.

Compost, because it's good for the enviroment.
Compost, because it makes you feel better about how much food you waste it’s good for the environment.

Mind Food Monday: Minxes in the Media

All the cool people are doing it

So I finished my degree. Zing! Down comes the confetti. No. This is not today’s confetti. Table-Talk Tuesday is for the personal stuff and hipster photos of mediocre things. Confetti tomorrow.

Long confetti. Confetti longer than my body. Because I make the rules and the rules say ‘fuck logic’.

Focus. Today is the day where I post the works of overachievers in order to dive into a pit of inadequacy  inspire you to live your dreams, reach for the stars and shine bright like diamonds in the sky (really Rihanna? Really? I’d like to think that diamonds are pretty damn shiny as they are but what do I know? Nothing about sky diamonds clearly).

Moving on. Since I’ve spent the last week putting as much distance between my grey matter and academia as humanly possible I’m going to avoid the high art and head straight for YouTube. So here goes my top three laydehs of Youtube and why they’re good for you:

3. Let’s get Hartosexual – Hannah Hart and My Drunk Kitchen

Yes. Just yes. Nothing in your mind should be saying no to this woman. She sings about cheese; she dances, she gets drunk, she tries to cook, and she makes puns.

Oh, and she swears. A woman after my own harto.

2. Two dogs, one Blonde: Jenna Marbles

Adorable voices, adorable dogs, adorable dress ups, and oh hey, she doesn’t give a fuck. Not one. She’s everyone’s favorite go-go dancer with a Masters degree – Jenna Marbles.

She impersonates celebrities and rants about things that irritate her. Oh yeah, and she swears… Anyone see a pattern here?

1. That’s Gracist: My daily dose of Grace Helbig

Number one because she’s my current favorite. Number one because she Vlogs every day. Every. Day. You’ve all seen what happens when I try a dose of the daily upload – explosions and sadness premature posting and Wikipedia level fact checking (I think there’s a nasal spray for that now). Even if you can’t stand her, daily content is no small task. 

She drinks, she sings, she makes weird noises and oh, she swears… I feel like this is important the similarities between my top three YouTubers says too much a lot about me as a person…

Moving on.

Awesome things common to these three women:

1. Lack of fucks given.

2. Swearing and general ‘unladylike’ behavior.

3. Ability to laugh at themselves and show vulnerability.

4. Commitment to their medium.

5. General sass.

All three Laydeh Tubers (not really a good description but roll with me here) manage multiple channels as well as several social media accounts, various side projects for sponsors, and guest spots for fellow YouTubers. What have you done for your artistic ‘brand’ lately? Hmmm?